I have been struggling in the past couple of days to get anything done. I’ve lost sleep, taken my meds later and later…a night or two, not at all, and all it’s doing is causing me to get more and more frustrated as I continue to feel as if I’m spinning my wheels, getting nowhere really.
One thing that has never been a strong suit for me is organization. Everything for years has just gotten done usually by procrastination and a last minute rush. I work a lot more precise with more care when I am on a limited schedule of time. I’m not saying that this is a good thing, but it’s just something I tend to have a habit of doing.
Last night I started writing in my mental health journal again. This journal began as a hand written manuscript of what it’s been like to have severe mental illness issues as a Christian. As I’ve sat down to write in it every now and then, I look back through some of the pages that I’ve already written since May 2015 and I see differences in how my writing style was then, compared to how it is now. You could tell that I was hurting and suffering terribly, but that the pain drove WHY I wrote. Now I’m not knowing too much what to do with this journal. I still write when the inspiration comes, but it’s not nearly as impactful as it began. Overtime you can see that I was healing as well by writing in it.
Worry is often a waste of time that accomplishes nothing. This fact still does not stop me from doing so. I’m looking at a cut off date in July for my high school course that I can’t seem to focus on and while I have already said that my teacher got me some extended time, I still struggle with getting into doing this at all. I still want it, but getting started and continuing on with it are huge areas that I can’t seem to get past.
Normally I don’t like to address my doubts and worries on here, but I need you to know that sometimes, I’m just scared that I’m failing someone or something. No matter how many pats of the back I get or thank you’s I receive for “a job well done”, I always feel as if I could have done so much better. Now whether this is a part of my mental health or if it’s a part of my personality, I don’t know…it could be both, who knows?
The key thing that I have to keep coming back to is that I am a redeemed child of God who is loved by his Father in Heaven PERIOD! There is nothing I can do beyond that to impress or bring about more approval of the Lord. This “standard” that I impress upon myself is all about me setting up my own ruin, and while I do understand that I do this, it doesn’t stop me from continuing on in doing so.
My fear of failing someone (even myself) is a sad motivator that has no merit or really healthy purpose behind it. This is something that further becomes a problem when I still consider what I would like to do for a career in life. This position would place me in the lives of many, helping, guiding, leading and advising, all the while my life is usually a chaotic mess in itself. I’ve often been told that I give great advice, but try getting me to take my own advice in order to get my life on track. That might be worth a laugh…
I often sense that I still have some level of anxiety remaining in me. When you tie in the failure factor, I often don’t want to get involved in people’s lives for fear of screwing something up with them. I’ve lived downtown for a while now, and I still have a difficult time in interacting with neighbours and just the general population of the core of the city.
This would be the largest struggle that I face, and that is that I often just want to be left alone. This means that I don’t want to spend much time with even family, friends or other Christians, whether in my own church or just others I see at conferences and such. I am very much a loner and an introvert that can put on the mask of social guy and extrovert if needed for certain events and situations. Many people are often surprised and doubtful when I tell them that I’m highly introverted in my life, due to what they see, but knowing nothing of the reality of my life otherwise.
What I mostly enjoy doing is reading and writing. My main interaction with the Brethren assemblies is working from home in the Cross Conversion Media ministry that I have going on. There is not much about me that screams “exciting”. However, for what it’s worth, I have seen my writing published on multiple sites and a local newspaper. This has often at least “validated” what I do most days within my own eyes. I still continue to do so.
While I often wondered and pondered a relationship with a signficant other, I can’t seem to get past the thought of still wanting to remain alone on my own. I have seen my friends all get married and various weddings have been happening in my church lately, and while I have a desire at times to find that special someone, I often end up retreating into my shell of life and think that there is no way I could ever be able to get married someday. This is a frustration, but also a slight relief at the same time, as I don’t want to see anyone hurt because I just couldn’t handle being an important part of someone’s life.
Now don’t get me wrong, the reason of this post is not to be negative, but it’s to be able to provide you with an inside look at the guy behind it. While I likely will never meet most of the readers face to face, I’d at least like you to understand why that still be that way even if we just lived a few blocks away from each other. For me, it just doesn’t work.
I know that I’m not the only one with these struggles and daily battles, but I felt that this was just one of those things that I finally needed to write about so that those who know me and love me might be able to understand me a bit more. While those who only follow my Twitter feed, might have a chance to get to know me here as I tell you more about myself in a raw detail.
I still keep fighting day to day. Some are better than others. I just keep going on…