Where To Begin

I have been struggling in the past couple of days to get anything done. I’ve lost sleep, taken my meds later and later…a night or two, not at all, and all it’s doing is causing me to get more and more frustrated as I continue to feel as if I’m spinning my wheels, getting nowhere really.

One thing that has never been a strong suit for me is organization. Everything for years has just gotten done usually by procrastination and a last minute rush. I work a lot more precise with more care when I am on a limited schedule of time. I’m not saying that this is a good thing, but it’s just something I tend to have a habit of doing.

Last night I started writing in my mental health journal again. This journal began as a hand written manuscript of what it’s been like to have severe mental illness issues as a Christian. As I’ve sat down to write in it every now and then, I look back through some of the pages that I’ve already written since May 2015 and I see differences in how my writing style was then, compared to how it is now. You could tell that I was hurting and suffering terribly, but that the pain drove WHY I wrote. Now I’m not knowing too much what to do with this journal. I still write when the inspiration comes, but it’s not nearly as impactful as it began. Overtime you can see that I was healing as well by writing in it.

Worry is often a waste of time that accomplishes nothing. This fact still does not stop me from doing so. I’m looking at a cut off date in July for my high school course that I can’t seem to focus on and while I have already said that my teacher got me some extended time, I still struggle with getting into doing this at all. I still want it, but getting started and continuing on with it are huge areas that I can’t seem to get past.

Normally I don’t like to address my doubts and worries on here, but I need you to know that sometimes, I’m just scared that I’m failing someone or something. No matter how many pats of the back I get or thank you’s I receive for “a job well done”, I always feel as if I could have done so much better. Now whether this is a part of my mental health or if it’s a part of my personality, I don’t know…it could be both, who knows?

The key thing that I have to keep coming back to is that I am a redeemed child of God who is loved by his Father in Heaven PERIOD! There is nothing I can do beyond that to impress or bring about more approval of the Lord. This “standard” that I impress upon myself is all about me setting up my own ruin, and while I do understand that I do this, it doesn’t stop me from continuing on in doing so.

My fear of failing someone (even myself) is a sad motivator that has no merit or really healthy purpose behind it. This is something that further becomes a problem when I still consider what I would like to do for a career in life. This position would place me in the lives of many, helping, guiding, leading and advising, all the while my life is usually a chaotic mess in itself. I’ve often been told that I give great advice, but try getting me to take my own advice in order to get my life on track. That might be worth a laugh…

I often sense that I still have some level of anxiety remaining in me. When you tie in the failure factor, I often don’t want to get involved in people’s lives for fear of screwing something up with them. I’ve lived downtown for a while now, and I still have a difficult time in interacting with neighbours and just the general population of the core of the city.

This would be the largest struggle that I face, and that is that I often just want to be left alone. This means that I don’t want to spend much time with even family, friends or other Christians, whether in my own church or just others I see at conferences and such. I am very much a loner and an introvert that can put on the mask of social guy and extrovert if needed for certain events and situations. Many people are often surprised and doubtful when I tell them that I’m highly introverted in my life, due to what they see, but knowing nothing of the reality of my life otherwise.

What I mostly enjoy doing is reading and writing. My main interaction with the Brethren assemblies is working from home in the Cross Conversion Media ministry that I have going on. There is not much about me that screams “exciting”. However, for what it’s worth, I have seen my writing published on multiple sites and a local newspaper. This has often at least “validated” what I do most days within my own eyes. I still continue to do so.

While I often wondered and pondered a relationship with a signficant other, I can’t seem to get past the thought of still wanting to remain alone on my own. I have seen my friends all get married and various weddings have been happening in my church lately, and while I have a desire at times to find that special someone, I often end up retreating into my shell of life and think that there is no way I could ever be able to get married someday. This is a frustration, but also a slight relief at the same time, as I don’t want to see anyone hurt because I just couldn’t handle being an important part of someone’s life.

Now don’t get me wrong, the reason of this post is not to be negative, but it’s to be able to provide you with an inside look at the guy behind it. While I likely will never meet most of the readers face to face, I’d at least like you to understand why that still be that way even if we just lived a few blocks away from each other. For me, it just doesn’t work.

I know that I’m not the only one with these struggles and daily battles, but I felt that this was just one of those things that I finally needed to write about so that those who know me and love me might be able to understand me a bit more. While those who only follow my Twitter feed, might have a chance to get to know me here as I tell you more about myself in a raw detail.

I still keep fighting day to day. Some are better than others. I just keep going on…

How Many Times???

Last night at the chapel, we once again hosted the Rural Life Mission conference for one of their nights that they have presentations, music and fellowship.

After the event in the auditorium, we all went downstairs where we could speak with the Northern Ontario missionaries about what they do and how they are doing. I wandered over to the Round Lake Bible Camp table where I asked about help needed for the Summer camp and also took an application for it. I wasn’t 100% what I was going to do with it, but it just seemed like something to at least consider.

Going back to doing any form of camp ministry has always been something that I wanted to do since 2013 when I was the soundman for the Junior Varsity camp in Guelph that year. However, there’s always been a hindrance of some sort, whether health or just the door not being open for the past 2 years. This, I figure, could be worth a shot, even though the camp is 80 kilometres from Thunder Bay and I’m not quite sure how I’d get there and back.

When I came home, I started to pray about it, I’m just honestly curious if I’m really to chase this idea down. So far I have a few potential ideas in the water for the Summer of 2016, but nothing set in stone just yet. I have only just recently turned a corner for the better in my mental health, so I’m not even close to figuring out what to do yet.

Then something came to me late at night: What about the homeless, poor and street people of the downtown that I’d been focused on before I got sick last year?

I hadn’t considered that in quite some time, and to be honest, I could have sworn that the Lord had removed me from that ministry. It wasn’t until tonight that it hit me like a ton of bricks, but was a reassurance at the same time that I need to be doing this again.

What this means for camp, I’m not sure, all I do know is that I just need to keep trusting that the Lord has everything figured out and He will reveal it in His proper time, I just need to remain in prayer and patience for that time.

As I’ve pondered the ministry that began once I arrived downtown last April, it wasn’t until yesterday that I believe that the hand of God was heavy upon me to listen and pay attention to what was going on around me as I sat at the bus terminal waiting to go to the chapel. Now that I think of it, this was a bit depressing, frustrating and a bit disturbing, all while I was waiting for my particular bus to pull in so I could board.

If I think back enough for the past several weeks, the Lord has been really trying to get me to open my eyes to the needy in this city, but it was only tonight that I understood this vast ministry that is still awaiting before me to begin going ahead with it.

I might not end up at any camps this year, but I do know for sure, the one thing that God has laid upon my heart constantly. He just needed to prepare me for what was to come…

Picking Up and Moving On

I got the following postcard in the mail today from my teacher:

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If there’s one thing that I’ve greatly struggled with, it has been my progress in high school. I’ve changed my direction in courses once I moved downtown and while I’m content with my choices, I just struggle in general.

It came to my attention that I’ve been doing this high school thing since 2013 and I’ve only passed one course because I applied myself when it was almost over. I have had 3 subjects left to go since, and I’m only barely working on the second one now.

Whatever it is that holds me back, despite being quite sure of the direction that I want to go, I’m not sure of what the problem is. I still want this, yet it’s so hard to commit to it.

It’s only when you have teachers like the one who sent this postcard to me, that you realize and understand that there are people who you don’t even know who are encouraging and supporting you in your dreams and your pursuits in the future. Knowing this is a great help in trying to get me motivated to keep going in this.

Through all of the depression I went through, I’d hate to see myself get even more depressed because I couldn’t continue in this anymore.

While my mental health has stabilized finally, it’s something like failure that could just put me back there again. So I’m trying to hang on and keep going as best possible, meanwhile, I keep thinking that I need to take things one day at a time without obsession and worry, and with my mental health, that’s a tough thing.

Getting Nowhere Fast

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matthew 6:33-34 NASB)

Since March 1st, I’ve been looking at things a whole lot differently in my walk with the Lord. Things just seemed to be going in a much more “off” direction. Let me explain:

I was trying to figure out for the life of me if my days with mental illness were done with. In my last posting, I had mentioned how the door to the mission field has opened up. Well this only started to happen when I began to ask questions about the 21 years that I have lived with a schizo-affective diagnosis.

One of those doors began to open when the Lord brought something to mind all of these years later…I have never heard a psychotic voice in my head…EVER! When I was 16 years old, nobody would listen to me or pay attention to the fact that I was constantly being bullied at school, so this was my way of getting people to listen. After going through a misdiagnosis of bipolar manic depression, I was labelled schizo-affective when I said that I heard voices. Of course I heard voices, the people in the room were talking to me. So you can see where I began to believe this month that I wasn’t mentally ill…but then there was a very interesting change to this whole thing just a few days ago.

As I was speaking to a therapist, I mentioned to him about this situation and that perhaps I should have my mental health reevaluated. He didn’t think much of the idea, but what he told me was a major game changer and it explained so much more to me.

He said there are 2 different types of schizophrenia. There’s the one that is commonly and widely known as “hearing voices”. But then he mentioned that there is a second type, and this one is a non-verbal type, but you believe delusions and things that aren’t true, to the point that you blow them up huge. BINGO! We have an answer!

Nobody had ever once bothered in all of 21 years to explain to me that there is another type of schizophrenia. Add on top of it that I still go through depression, and that’s the “affective” portion of the illness. So to sum it all up, I still have schizo-affective disorder, but it’s not the same exact type that I’ve been led to believe for the past 2 decades.

Now here’s the BIG QUESTION: Does this change anything REALLY? No, it doesn’t. I’m still Pat, I’m still a redeemed child of God who loves Jesus and it changes nothing other than the fact that I now have an accurate diagnosis after 21 years, and that gives me some semblance of peace of mind, but it does NOT change who I am!

In all honesty, the very first thing that I’ve felt interested in doing since getting this all sorted out was actually writing, and this post is the first thing that I’m addressing since gathering my thoughts. I do have a bit of renewed inspiration to write more articles on mental health for the newspaper that I’ve written for plus various websites that I have sent writing in to. The one thing that my mental health has always driven me to do is write, and now is as best a time as any.

That being said, I still have one long outstanding goal that I’ve neglected overtime, whether by illness or by just forgetting about it, and that’s pursuing my high school diploma. I wrote to my current teacher and asked her for more time and she’s going to the school board administration to ask that I be given an extension past my July cutoff date. She has watched me struggle, as she operates my school’s Twitter account and she knows that I’ve dealt with a lot over the past 14 months. I’m more than grateful that she’s willing to go to bat for me at a time when I need more time to catch up with a lot of things that I’ve fallen behind in. If the school administration is willing to give me at least 2 more months, I’d be so grateful and thankful, but in the meantime, I’ve gotta get to work!

I have only shared with one of my friends what I have in mind for a career afterwards. This will require college or university to obtain and I’m just leaving it as an idea, seeing as I’ve still got the high school to complete first. What I need is a Divine push to keep me going.

Organizational skills have never been something that I’ve ever had much of, if at all, but I just have to keep seeking the Lord every day for plan for just that day. I put far too much on my shoulders at a time with a bar that I can’t even reach, and I do believe that this is part of the delusional aspect of the schizo-affective. If I’m not failing someone’s hopes for me, then I fail myself, and feel absolutely miserable because of it, usually ending up in depression. Setting simple daily goals is not my forte, although it would help me huge!

Do I expect many people to understand why I do this? Not really, especially when you consider that even I don’t know why I do this. I just hate struggling against myself when the Lord has said that His yoke is easy, and His burden is light. When I will ever learn this, I truly don’t know, but hey, it always works out for another mental health article right?

So this pretty much what’s been going on. I’m looking forward to being back at church tomorrow morning, and also the first time in months that I’ve been around the Lord’s Table for breaking of bread. The desire to be there has been tremendous and I’m really looking forward to it…if the Lord has not yet come today that is, of course.

God Bless…

Things Pondered But Unsure

When they saw Him, they worshiped Him; but some were doubtful. And Jesus came up and spoke to them, saying, “All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth. “Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” (Matthew 28:17-20 NASB)

South-African-Flag

What you see above these words is the flag of South Africa

Four years ago, I was approached by an older lady who was going to my chapel at the time who was just walking out of the auditorium after hearing a presentation from T&T Teams (now known as E Teams) and while I paid no attention to the presentation (I wasn’t even in the auditorium listening to it), she came up to me and said “Now this is the young fella we should be sending for this”. I had no idea what she meant.

What proceeded for the next 4 years was me trying to go to the mission field, meanwhile, the Lord kept constantly putting up a roadblock to stop me from doing so, however, I didn’t seem to realize this until last year when I slowly came to understand that it just wasn’t my road to travel down.

Because of what that well intentioned lady said, I felt that because I couldn’t go anywhere, that I had let everyone in my chapel down, including my 90 year old mentor who has had missions running in his blood in one way or another since becoming a believer multiple decades prior. I had falsely assumed that everyone had high hopes on me doing this.

Much of my desire to go to the mission field (more specifically, the Philippines) had been so driven by what I felt that I wanted to do, when really, I didn’t want to do it, I was chasing it so I didn’t disappoint anyone, and whenever the idea seemed like it was God-driven, it just made it worse that I knew that I had to quit. This contributed to my mental breakdown last year: I was bearing a load that really was never mine to begin with.

There’s been some changes recently in my health, particularly my mental health, and while I’m not ready to discuss what some of those changes have been in this blog, what has changed has quite possibly made a missionary journey a very real thing in the future.

Now hold up, God said “No” so why am I back on this again?

That’s a good question. The answer would be a part of the 13 months that I’ve been down and out. You see, looking at it in hindsight now, the Lord couldn’t use me for such a thing like this in the prideful and arrogant state that I was in. Nobody likes an egotistical jerk, and I now believe that I would have caused more harm on the foreign field than actually contributing anything positive to it.

To simplify it, there’s been a big change in my life since March 1st, and while I can’t exactly explain it, this is what I’m sensing that the Lord has always wanted for my life, despite how many times I doubted the possibility or chance of it happening.

What this has led to this month is the return of the idea of the mission field. However, this time this was not my idea, it came as an answer to prayer from asking what I’m supposed to do from this point onwards. This has led me into more prayer, as I have to know absolutely for sure that this is led of God and not me all because of the last 4 years of closed doors to this idea. All I keep coming up with is that the first 4 years was my idea and not God’s, but now this IS His plan, but I had to be broken to be usable. Somehow, He seems to assume that this time has come, as highly doubtful as I am in this regard.

The mission field that has come up is a familiar one, and this would be the shantytowns of Capetown South Africa. I’ve had contact with a missionary from there a couple of years ago, but when I understood that I had to let the dream go, I stopped all communications with them. I will be speaking with the elders from my chapel, as well as my mentor about the possibility of pursuing this as a short-term mission in the future, in the Lord’s timing. I’m ready to start learning about the country and culture plus even the local dialects and languages if need be. The passion that I have in my heart for this is not coming from me this time and that’s the most exciting part about it. Last time it felt like I had to go, now I’m more than willing to go without hesitation if this is indeed what God wills for me to do.

While it’s a time of transition and change with my health, this is just one of those things that sort of has the whole meaning and purpose at the end of it. I may not understand why things have happened or occurred the way that they have, but I’m positive that there is a purpose and a reason behind it all. The Lord’s way and plan are absolutely perfect, we just have to be willing to obey, and yes, I keep saying that in many of my blog posts lately, but it’s true, without full obedience to the calling and command of Christ, life isn’t worth it.

I understand that so much changes now in the way that things are going, and you know what, I’m okay with that. It’s been a hard time in trying to trust the Lord fully and completely, but see that’s part of the problem, I was trying to do so on my own power, rather than just take God at His word and believe that He’s totally got this figured out.

The coming months, should the Lord not come, will be very interesting as they unfold. As I pray, and long to stir up other believers with the gift of faith that I know that is within me, I just get very excited and zealous for what the Lord may do, and how He will work in it all.

God Bless…

Refreshing

There are only 4 times in the English Standard Version (ESV) that the word “refresh” appears. The lack of this specific word makes me wonder if we are truly meant for a refresh, as in a new start, or if we’re meant to carry on from where we presently are at. The word “refreshing” and “refreshed” appears in Scripture, but what about the root word itself?

As I write this post, I’m lying in bed, completely exhausted from just taking out the garbage. For over 3 weeks, I’ve been sleeping off and on while trying to recover from sickness and the one thing that seems to be holding onto me is a constant feeling of fatigue and exhaustion.

If you’ve followed my journey for the past 13 months, you’d see that I’ve been sick for quite some time in various ways. From mental health issues and now onto a diminished physical stamina and endurance, it’s been an interesting ride, all the while wondering what the Lord has intended for all of this.

One thing that you won’t find in the Bible is it telling you that God does not give you more than you can handle. However, lately I’m not inclined to believe that it’s really God that piles on the trials and pains of life. The one thing I am sure of is that He at least allows the unbearable burden, but for one purpose, and that’s so we will truly trust in Him alone to get us through it.

I’ve seen so much of my own plans fall apart lately as I begin to hear the beating of the heart of God and to follow along with the rhythm of that instead. I’ve seen my ideas just fall away, all while watching His plans become my own and asking Him for the strength to carry them out.

It has not been easy to let go of the things that I wanted to do, or even the things that I wanted to do to serve God. But little by little, I’ve been dealing with the fact that what I wanted to do was not His intention for me all along, as well intended as the plans might have been. He has a path for me to travel, and the only “help” that he needs from me is to obey it and stay out of the way.

While I physically may not be able to do a whole lot right now, it’s still a joy to get to see the Lord at work in various ways that I obviously couldn’t take care of, but wanted to. Seeing God’s mighty hand do the work that I’ve been trying to do for months, and doing it better, has been something else. How I never saw a lot of the things that I was trying to achieve without Him, it was pretty sad.

I don’t know what’s coming in the following days. I just know that I continue on in trusting God for the daily bread on the journey, no matter where it may lead. The joy is found in that!

God Bless…

Learning To Rest In Christ Alone

“Behold, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh; is anything too difficult for Me?” (Jeremiah 32:27 NASB)

“It is finished!” (John 19:30b NASB)

In the past couple of weeks, I have been brought to the point of physical exhaustion. I’ve lost weight due to sickness and I’m constantly sleeping. In the meantime, I’m watching my housework and ministry duties with Cross Conversion Media fall by the wayside because I just don’t have the endurance or stamina in me to keep going for long periods of time. While it’s frustrating, it has taught me a lot about how to trust in the Lord.

One thing that I can say that I was ultimately guilty of since coming out of a severe depression and bouts of anxiety was that I was trying to take on the schedule again that caused me to collapse to begin with 13 months prior. This time, instead of mental and emotional, it’s a physical sickness that has brought me right down this time.

As I’ve only been able to do work as the Lord has provided small windows of good health where I take the burst of energy and get whatever needs to be done finished, it has been an eye opener to see how much I had always relied on my own power and strength to get work done, rather than rely on the Lord and His ability to strengthen me for the task.

Trusting God has been a running theme for me in the past couple of weeks as I’ve seen that I can do absolutely nothing without Him at all. I must admit that it’s humbling, yet frustrating at the same time, mostly due in part to my stubbornness and wanting to get things done pretty much on my watch, not really regarding that the One who is outside of time controls time as well. God is the One who is in control, not me.

Barely being at the chapel for months on end and hardly being able to keep even the chapel Facebook page and website up to date have been another lesson in trusting in the Lord for His daily strength and provisions. I can’t imagine Him not wanting me at church unless there’s something He’s trying to teach me through my absence that I’m just not getting at this present time. I want to be there, but when I can only make evening meetings and Bible studies, I guess I’m just grateful for what I can get right now.

The task that I’m trying to get the energy for now is converting a small pile of VHS tapes to finish off part of a project that I was given back in the Spring of 2015, and I can’t even bring myself to do that, as easy as it usually is to do. It’s discouraging, as I know that it has to get done before Saturday, but the push just isn’t there.

This could be a whole host of things really. The level of fatigue that I’ve experienced during all of this has been huge, and yes I know I already said that, but it needs repeating because I need you to understand that I’m running on about 40% or less of my total physical energy. When I get a burst of energy to work or clean, I take it and run with it, all the while praising my Lord and Saviour for the reprieve.

What I have to continually remind myself is that God has a plan in all of this. While I may be in an extended season of downtime, He’s still got things under control, even when it doesn’t feel a thing like it. Like I said, trusting that the Lord has something in mind through this pause in my life is what keeps me going.

He hasn’t left me or abandoned me. In fact, He’s here in my life, now more than ever as I have to rely on Him to see my through each and every day as it comes, and that’s the best part of it all: Trusting God, despite times of feeling weak, helpless and hopeless. He’s still in the business of using broken people to accomplish His plans. My issue is one of fully surrendering to those plans that are unknown to me. One moment at a time!

God Bless…

Truth in a Hymn or Praise

There’s a lot of things that can be said for redeeming the time. Some read, some waste time on the internet, some listen to music. Even Scripture tells the believer to redeem the time. With so many things that a person could do to pass the time, what do you choose?

Lately I’ve been finding some solace in the lyrics of old hymns, new hymns and some praise-rich contemporary Christian music, but it’s often interesting to compare the two hymnals that I own along with my iTunes playlist, as there’s so much varied difference.

What it really comes down to in my music collection is this: Is it praising God for all the He has done or is still doing, or is it more focused on how much I feel about Him? THAT, I believe, is the determining factor that must be watched out for. Worship of the Lord, or worship for the sake of worship, we can often get stuck in that trap.

There was a conference preacher I heard once talking about “Christian Worthy” music. In other words, stuff that a believer should be listening to, despite the waves of shallow, empty, repetitive “praise and worship” songs that are sung in many churches today. It was a real interesting message and it sort of set the bar for me, so to speak, as I was just saved the Fall of 2010 and this was my first conference that November.

Now I’m not gonna tell you what you should listen to, but I will tell you to be cautious of its meaning and its purpose. I have a friend that comes down to a pretty good conclusion on modern Christian music today. He asks if the song moves you to truly worship the Lord.

Are we doing that? Are we truly worshipping the Lord? Even in our hymnals with tunes from the 1800’s? Are we coming to the Lord’s table to sing about Him or to Him?

I must admit that when I started out in downloading Christian music from iTunes, I fell into the trap of “the sound” rather than the substance, and this can be a big danger for much of the youth today, and yes, even by youth I’m talking about just being saved at 31 and knowing nothing but Amazing Grace because it was my grandma’s favourite hymn.

Be discerning, be cautious. You don’t have to be legalistic about it, but just be smart and don’t forget that asking the Lord in prayer about it really isn’t a silly thing if what you want to accomplish in listening is to be genuinely worshipping the Saviour.

Enjoy the music yes, but also remember Who the music is about first, the Chief Musician!

God Bless…

A Walk-On Part at the Big Show

I’ve prayed this portion of Scripture for the past two days:

“While I was fainting away, I remembered the Lord, And my prayer came to You, Into Your holy temple. “Those who regard vain idols Forsake their faithfulness, But I will sacrifice to You With the voice of thanksgiving. That which I have vowed I will pay. Salvation is from the Lord.” (Jonah 2:7-9 NASB)

The Lord has brought things to mind through people and things and also brought back some memories that I’d long since forgotten about that I’d still like to remain forgotten. But I believe that it’s all had its own intended purpose.

One frequent pattern you might have noticed in some of my recent blogs is a departure from talking about God and the Bible, and more about how my life is going right now. This is something that I never wanted to see happen to this website, but sadly, it has.

It was last night that I came to this very familiar verse:

I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me. (Galatians 2:20 NASB)

All the reasons why I’ve been going down the road I’ve been on has been the Lord trying to lead me back to Himself. I’d gotten so used to getting God into the “selfie” of what He showed me everyday to post onto social media, that I have been cheapening the more private moments when He shows me something that He intends for me at a particular point in time.

Until this website can be brought back to being centred around Christ, and not so much about myself, I’m going to take the wise council of that preacher contact I mentioned here yesterday, and I’m going to seek an “intimate fellowship” with my Lord and Saviour.

Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may  prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect. (Romans 12:1-2 NASB)

In the Eye of the Hurricane Again

I last wrote on this site 10 days ago…

In those 10 days, I have been so depleted of energy and sick, having to cancel many plans and ideas that I’d had laid out heading to the end of the month. But that’s not what this post is about. What it’s about is how to find God in those 10 days.

One of my favourite preachers has been sick for the past 14 months with chronic fatigue syndrome. It has largely ended his itinerrant speaking ministry and conference preaching. However, just the other day, he blessed all of his Facebook followers with a new experiment, using social media to preach mini-sermons from home and post them online.

What he also spoke on was the intimacy he has found in his fellowship with the Lord Jesus Christ during the past 14 months. This really stood out to me. Could I say that I was truly seeking the Lord’s Face for the past 13 months of various sicknesses, or have I been trying to find the easy way out of the pain to get back to some form of “normal” again?

So I had to send him a private message on Facebook thanking him for his ministry and how I’ve been enduring the past 13 months seems to be a total opposite as to how he has taken on his downtime.

What I eventually confessed, and this is the first time I kinda realized this, and that is that God is in the eye of the hurricane when disaster strikes, and rather than seek the Divine Eye, I’ve been waging battle through the storm AWAY from the Eye to get out of it, although not knowing when it was going to end.

Anytime there would be a reprieve of some sort, I’d take my life back under my own control, only to end up in the same situation again eventually. In short, I’d never fully release control of my life to Jesus, I’d just let Him get me out of the messes.

When I got the response back from my preacher contact, he left me with some encouraging words in going forward and making the most of the downtime in seeking the Lord daily, and moment by moment, when He may be found.

As I’ve watched plan after plan fall away, and seeing the Easter conference pass and not being at it today, as I surrendered my invitation to welcome the believers at the chapel on the Lord’s Day, Resurrection Sunday of all days. I’m seeing how much God is really in control and I can’t just give Him the glory for the things that He didn’t plan for me to do.

I’m not saying that I’m sick because of God, but what I’m saying is that He’s using it to teach me at this point in time when I’m not really feeling like going anywhere soon.

God Bless…